With the goal of being transparent in my writing comes the danger of crossing a line. I believe I have done that. In some recent posts about my own heart issues, I have exposed my family to unfair scrutiny. I have indiscriminately invited readers into places that were not vulnerable to just me. I was trying to write about myself—not my husband, but I fear my silence has painted an ugly and inaccurate picture of him and of our relationship. In my focus on being candid about my own thoughts and feelings in a very specific situation, I was not at all careful to represent all the facts or history correctly.
I believe I was supposed to write about these things, but perhaps with a different approach or at a different time. Upon reflection, I realized that if my husband stood up and preached a sermon about attitudes he was struggling with having toward me, I would be very hurt—even if he believed and declared that he was in the wrong. I cannot see my audience when I write, but it is no different. In my carelessness, I have defamed my very wonderful husband who is in reality worthy of double honor.
Though I cannot take back what has already been read, I will be deleting those posts. What follows is a very brief and inadequate attempt to correct misconceptions I may have communicated. Besides, it’s about time I shared on this blog a bit about how blessed I feel to be married to this man.
Outside of knowing and loving God, my husband has made his whole life about me. He doesn’t pursue hobbies; he pursues me. He works at and enjoys making life magical for me. When he has time off, the first thing he thinks of is how he can use it to help me, encourage me, flirt with me, or take the family on an adventure. He intentionally pays close attention to how I’m feeling. He asks and he watches. He consults me before making any major decisions. He values my opinions and honors me both in our home and in the company of others. He makes me feel cherished and beautiful.
I’m not claiming he never has a misstep, but truly I know what it is to have an honorable, loving, and devoted husband who makes me feel like a queen. In the twelve years of our marriage, he has more than earned my trust and admiration. I am wonderfully spoiled.
Perhaps you see now why my heart has been screaming so loudly. It is not because he has been remiss with me somehow, but because he has so consistently loved and cherished me.
Now to the particulars of the situation at hand.
When the trip was offered, the very first thing he did was come home and tell me about it to see what I thought. Neither he nor I had any idea I would have such a difficult time with it. When we talked about our ‘dream trip’ over the years, we never made a promise that we would go together—it was just assumed by both of us because neither of us planned to save up money to go on our own. We did not foresee that such a generous offer would be presented to him. He chose to go because I told him he should—and because he knew that my heart would be much more damaged in the long run if he gave up what might be his only chance to go because part of me didn’t like it. We made the decision together.
My sweet husband has grieved my hurt. He has prayed for my heart and for wisdom to know how to love me best in this. He looked forward to the experience he would have in Israel, but he left with a heart heavy with concern for me. In all my kicking and screaming, I never believed or meant to communicate that he had wronged me in this. He has been patient and compassionate through it all. I pray that his experience in Israel will be everything God intended it to be, in spite of the weight he has had to carry. That man is the delight and joy of my life and I am so in love with him!
I have not been wise with my words and I have blown it. I have been thoughtless toward my husband and those who love him. It has been a disservice to my readers. Lesson learned. God, of course, forgives me and I know my husband will forgive me. I humbly ask that you accept my apology as well.