My First “retraction”

With the goal of being transparent in my writing comes the danger of crossing a line. I believe I have done that. In some recent posts about my own heart issues, I have exposed my family to unfair scrutiny. I have indiscriminately invited readers into places that were not vulnerable to just me. I was trying to write about myself—not my husband, but I fear my silence has painted an ugly and inaccurate picture of him and of our relationship. In my focus on being candid about my own thoughts and feelings in a very specific situation, I was not at all careful to represent all the facts or history correctly.

I believe I was supposed to write about these things, but perhaps with a different approach or at a different time. Upon reflection, I realized that if my husband stood up and preached a sermon about attitudes he was struggling with having toward me, I would be very hurt—even if he believed and declared that he was in the wrong. I cannot see my audience when I write, but it is no different. In my carelessness, I have defamed my very wonderful husband who is in reality worthy of double honor.

Though I cannot take back what has already been read, I will be deleting those posts. What follows is a very brief and inadequate attempt to correct misconceptions I may have communicated. Besides, it’s about time I shared on this blog a bit about how blessed I feel to be married to this man.

Outside of knowing and loving God,  my husband has made his whole life about me. He doesn’t pursue hobbies; he pursues me. He works at and enjoys making life magical for me. When he has time off, the first thing he thinks of is how he can use it to help me, encourage me, flirt with me, or take the family on an adventure. He intentionally pays close attention to how I’m feeling. He asks and he watches. He consults me before making any major decisions. He values my opinions and honors me both in our home and in the company of others. He makes me feel cherished and beautiful.

I’m not claiming he never has a misstep, but truly I know what it is to have an honorable, loving, and devoted husband who makes me feel like a queen. In the twelve years of our marriage, he has more than earned my trust and admiration. I am wonderfully spoiled.

Perhaps you see now why my heart has been screaming so loudly. It is not because he has been remiss with me somehow, but because he has so consistently loved and cherished me.

Now to the particulars of the situation at hand.

When the trip was offered, the very first thing he did was come home and tell me about it to see what I thought. Neither he nor I had any idea I would have such a difficult time with it. When we talked about our ‘dream trip’ over the years, we never made a promise that we would go together—it was just assumed by both of us because neither of us planned to save up money to go on our own. We did not foresee that such a generous offer would be presented to him. He chose to go because I told him he should—and because he knew that my heart would be much more damaged in the long run if he gave up what might be his only chance to go because part of me didn’t like it. We made the decision together.

My sweet husband has grieved my hurt. He has prayed for my heart and for wisdom to know how to love me best in this. He looked forward to the experience he would have in Israel, but he left with a heart heavy with concern for me. In all my kicking and screaming, I never believed or meant to communicate that he had wronged me in this. He has been patient and compassionate through it all. I pray that his experience in Israel will be everything God intended it to be, in spite of the weight he has had to carry. That man is the delight and joy of my life and I am so in love with him!

I have not been wise with my words and I have blown it. I have been thoughtless toward my husband and those who love him. It has been a disservice to my readers. Lesson learned. God, of course, forgives me and I know my husband will forgive me. I humbly ask that you accept my apology as well.


5 thoughts on “My First “retraction””

  1. Knowing you both as I do I did not think any the less of Jesse, or even of your relationship with him. I know he adores you(and the family) and anyone who spends any time with you knows that too! I felt that you shared your personal heart struggle very articulately. I will not try and be the Holy Spirit here concerning your retraction. I know you feel this very strongly. I just want you to know I found what you shared as a very refreshing honesty-not found in many women of God that I have known. Thank you for your transparency! I love you all the more for it! It ministers to me!

  2. In all the years you have been married, I have never heard you say anything unkind or disparaging about Jesse. Quite the opposite! And it’s true that anyone who knows you both also knows that he is a great husband and father. You and Jesse were forced to work out a situation that had no perfect solution, and you both tried to do what was best. Of course you didn’t want him to miss a great opportunity, but probably neither one of you were able to understand ahead of time just how trying it would be to for you to be waiting at home with the kids, with most of your things packed in boxes because you are about to move to a new home AND a new life. I’m sure your blog readers wish both of you all the best.

  3. I have read most of your blogs and commented on just a few because, unlike you, I don’t write well. I’m responding to this because I know your heart, and I want others to know what I think. It takes courage to be vulnerable and let yourself really be known. Most people don’t go there but you have and I am really proud of you. We need more Christians willing to be transparent and real so both other Christians and non-believers will get an accurate picture of what walking with God through Jesus Christ looks like. The fact that you know you crossed a line because God convicted you is a lesson learned, the hard way, but life is full of hard lessons. Thanks again for being real and
    transparent, even in your apology. That took guts and I’m proud of you.

    1. I agree with all of the comments above. As I have said before your openness and honesty minister to me and I belive many others. Keep up the good work.

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